5 B-movies that need a video game adaptation | GAME3A

5 B-movies that need a video game adaptation

A few weeks ago, my family from another state visited. And one of our favorite activities is to organize a movie night together. Usually, this movie s...

Phil Helsel Sept 14, 2023
5 B-movies that need a video game adaptation

A few weeks ago, my family from another state visited. And one of our favorite activities is to organize a movie night together. Usually, this movie screening includes the latest horror film available for streaming or a silly comedy that we know everyone will enjoy. But on this visit, I had the choice of the movie, so I subjected my reluctant relatives to one of the best worst movies of all time, Troll 2.

As I observed iconic, bizarre scenes, such as the strangely erotic popcorn scene (#iykyk), I thought to myself, "Man, this would make for a wild video game." And when you think about it, many video games already hint at campy cinema (e.g., House of the Dead). However, direct adaptations like Killer Klowns From Outer Space are rarely seen. This raises the question of which B-movies would make great video games?

Troll 2

5 B-Movies That Need A Video Game Adaptation

Troll 2 is perfectly bad camp horror material. In this movie, young Joshua goes on vacation with his family to the mysterious town of Nilbog. But the ghost of Joshua's deceased grandfather warns him that danger is imminent. What is the threat? Nilbog is a village inhabited by vegetarian goblins who transform people into vegetables and eat them! (Because spinach is gross. Meh!)

By the way, if you noticed that Nilbog is 'Goblin' spelled backward, congratulations. You're already more competent than most characters in this film.

Speaking of goblin villages, what if Troll 2 wasn't a horror game?

Okay, listen up! You play as the goblins of Nilbog and your goal is to lure as many human meals into the town as possible. Imagine it like a hotel management game, but with a lot more green food (that may be peed on).

Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

5 B-Movies That Need A Video Game

Did you know that the Beatles have a feature film? No, not the animated one. No, not the early Beatlemania films. No, not the documentary about their breakup. No, no, NOT the artistic film from the early 2000s. And no, not even the film with the world where the Beatles never existed. I'm talking about "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," the film from the 70s starring Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees.

In this quirky retelling of the eponymous album, "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," follows Billy Shears (Frampton) and his bandmates as they leave their peaceful hometown to become music superstars. However, a criminal man named after a condiment (Mr. Mustard) steals the town's magical musical instruments. So, Billy and the band must return to save the day.

Sgt. Pepper and his troupe battle against Aerosmith, who team up with Mustard. Then, Billy's love interest (with the name Strawberry Fields, if you can believe it) dies in a tragic and comical way. Billy tries to take his own life, but suddenly, the town's weather vane comes to life and sets everything right. This raises the question, what the hell was the weather vane guy waiting for the past 90 minutes?!

Then the film ends with a Who's Who of pop culture icons from the 70s singing the title song, making the entire preceding 109 minutes worth it. Imagine Carol Channing, Tina Turner, and Chita Rivera singing side by side on the choir steps. It's a gay paradise.

The only positive aspect of Sgt. Pepper is the music, which receives some unique new arrangements in this film and is performed with finesse by the talented musical cast. Therefore, a musical rhythm adventure game with a thin storyline would make sense. I'm not reinventing the wheel here.

Samurai Cop

5 B-Movies That Need A Video

I have never seen Samurai Cop and have no idea what it's about. But I will play any video game as long as it involves that muscle-bound guy in a black bikini and a birthday cake. (Well then, let's dig in.)

The Room

5 B-Movies That Need A

The Room is much more than just a movie; it's an experience. This is the film you show your friends to enjoy their reaction. Then they show it to their friends, and the gift keeps on giving.

Tommy Wiseau's ironic masterpiece has everything that makes a good trash film: wooden acting, loose plotlines, and iconically awkward dialogues ("I did not hit her! I did not. Oh, hi Mark!"). It's a cult classic of such renown that it inspired an Oscar-nominated film. I never understand what The Room aims to achieve when I watch it, but it gets it so wrong that it's right!

A visual novel or a game in the style of Quantic Dream would suit The Room well. Not only could you relive the most memorable scenes of the film, but perhaps you could also help Johnny avoid his tragic fate at the end of that fateful surprise party.

The more I write about this hypothetical The Room game, the more doubts arise within me. Can one capture the lightning of badness in a bottle twice (technically even thrice, if you count The Disaster Artist)? Anyway, how is your love life going?

Mommie Dearest

5 B-Movies That Need

If you haven't seen Mommie Dearest, do yourself a favor and watch it. The film is based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, the adopted daughter of Joan Crawford, and it tells the story of their abusive relationship. Whether the biography is accurate or defamatory character assassination is a subject of intense debate. But that's not what watching Mommie Dearest is about.

Oh no, we fans watch Mommie Dearest for the camp, darling! Faye Dunaway's performance alone is a phenomenon of cinematic art. Not necessarily a phenomenon in a positive way. But not in a negative way either. I mean it as a phenomenon in a sublime "How did this happen?" kind of way.

Dunaway's portrayal of Crawford has several sharp mood swings, exaggerated outbursts, and unforgettable one-liners. In one scene, she chokes her daughter and cries, "I gave you everything. EVERYTHING!" A few minutes later, she strikes with stoic fierceness in a Pepsi boardroom.

This unpredictability in Dunaway's performance makes one think that Crawford could flip at any moment. Most of the time, this spontaneous, melodramatic style is hilarious. But occasionally, while watching, one also experiences a profound sense of unease.

Given that, "Mommie Dearest" would make a fantastic psychological horror game. Imagine it. You play as a young Christina Crawford, hiding from her abusive Hollywood mother and the whip of her clothes hanger. It's all from a first-person perspective, and you always have the feeling that Joan is right behind you, even though you rarely see her. Make a wrong move, and the beating will begin, accompanied by the words, "NO. WIRE. HANGERS. EVER!"

Listen. You'll never get PT. But Mommie Dearest: The Game will offer you the next best thing. And the jump scares will be terrifying.